MILWAUKEE — The Milwaukee Brewers, once a mere four wins away from delivering glorious, greasy George Webb cheeseburgers to the people of Wisconsin, have since gone 3-4 and delivered mostly sadness and miserable offensive baseball instead. Fans aren’t just hungry for burgers anymore — they’re starving for offense.

Media members, fans, and even manager Pat Murphy have openly questioned the team’s power vacuum, slugging woes and really bad offensive contributions from third base and shortstop.

The 2025 Brewers are currently slugging .361 — bad enough for 28th in MLB — and posting an extra-base hit rate of 6.2% (29th). In fact, you’d have to go all the way back to 1976 for a Brewers team with a worse slugging percentage. It’s safe to say something NEEDS to change if the crew has serious aspirations for October baseball. 

But in the eye of this powerless mediocre storm stands a glimmer of hope — a 5’8” rookie third baseman with a massive Mark McGwire neck and an even bigger love for juggling: Caleb Durbin.

While his glove has been, let’s say, “fine,” Durbin’s bat has struggled to do much at the plate. With a hard-hit rate of 23.2% and an average exit velocity of 84.2 mph — both at the 1st percentile according to Baseball Savant — fans are ready to toss in the towel and move on to any other option besides Oliver Dunn. 

In a recent interview with Sophia Minnaert, Durbin proudly stated that his most useless talent is juggling. “It’s kinda useful for baseball,” he said with Zen-like wisdom, “but you don’t juggle in baseball.”

But what if you did?

Scientists — and yes, even a few peer-reviewed studies — have shown that juggling can enhance cognitive processing, coordination, timing, and even increase gray matter in the brain. Research has also linked juggling heavier objects to improved muscle tone and reduced stress — all traits that could benefit a professional baseball team searching for sharper timing and a little extra power at the plate.

Stronger brains, and stronger bodies could be just what this Brewers team needs. 

My Idea: A juggling-based pregame routine. Not just casual tosses — we’re talking medicine balls, kettlebells, maybe even some flaming bowling pins. Picture this… Caleb Durbin front and center in the clubhouse, effortlessly juggling three 25-pound dumbbells while his teammates juggle in a steady synchronized rhythm, like a row of underperforming sunflowers reaching toward light.

Baseball has always embraced its quirks —  unwritten rules, and cutting edge technology and new ideas. Juggling is the answer, and Caleb Durbin needs to juggle a lot more and with more passion to turn things around.

The Brewers may not be leading the league in any meaningful offensive statistic, but if they can master the art of controlled chaos — three balls, two hands, one dream — they might just juggle their way to the top of the N.L Central once again.