Burnt Toast Sports – Brilliantly Stupid

Today marks another local holiday in the 414, as Jacob Misiorowski takes the mound for the fifth time. But today’s start carries a different weight than the Miz’s previous outings—he faces an all-time legend: Clayton Kershaw.

Kershaw, now 37 and in his 18th major league season, will face off against 23-year-old Misiorowski tonight at 6:40 p.m. CT.

Much has changed since Kershaw’s rookie season in 2008. Back then, the average fastball velocity was 90 mph, Katy Perry was not yet an astronaut, “yeet” was just a noise you made when sneezing, no one knew that “Charlie bit my finger,” and Jacob Misiorowski was just six years old.

Pitching has evolved drastically too—velocity, spin rate, and pitches like the sweeper and splinker existed under different surnames.

Today, we’ll witness two pitchers separated by age, three inches in height, and a whole lot of velocity. This season, Kershaw ranks in the 2nd percentile for average fastball velocity (89 mph), while Misiorowski sits in the 99th percentile (99.2 mph). 

Despite 437 more big-league appearances and three extra Cy Youngs to his name, Kershaw will stand on the same mound as Misiorowski today at American Family Field.

One of the most remarkable things about Kershaw is his longevity. Despite nearly two decades of pitching, he’s only had one surgery on his throwing arm—and it wasn’t even Tommy John. Meanwhile, hard-throwing pitchers like Walker Buehler, Jacob deGrom, and most recently Robert Gasser have all undergone the procedure. The common thread? Velocity and spin rate dominance.

It seems like pitchers have a set limit on the number of bullets they can throw until the inevitable happens. It’s no longer a question of if a pitcher will need Tommy John surgery, but when. So how can Jacob Misiorowski avoid becoming another name on the elbow surgery list? Here are my ideas:

1. Gluteus Maximus Activation

It’s widely accepted that pitching velocity begins from the ground up, yet many pitchers still rely too much on their arms. Baseball players should be using the body’s strongest muscle to throw a baseball—not the fragile little ones around the elbow. In fact, the gluteus maximus is 5 to 10 times stronger than the muscles in the arm. If pitchers want to throw harder and safer, the first place to focus is the butt. Just imagine how much more velocity—and sustainability—pitchers could achieve if they learned to throw from their butts.

2. Arm in Rice

After a pitcher releases a fastball, the shoulder muscles must contract to slow the arm down and keep it from literally flying off. These muscles produce around 600 newtons of force—roughly equal to the bite of a juvenile alligator—just to hold the arm on its socket. That’s not even accounting for the intense mechanics leading up to the throw. When muscles are pushed to those limits, they become overworked, leading to irritation, inflammation, and swelling. Swelling happens when fluid—mostly leaked plasma builds up in the tissue. 

Basically, the arm gets waterlogged, like an iPhone you forgot was in your pocket when you jumped in the pool. At this point, the only logical solution is to submerge the arm in a giant jar of rice for two days after pitching. Some journalists might shy away from obvious truths, but not me. The real question is this: Should Jacob Misiorowski keep his arm in rice for 48 hours after every start to make himself more sustainable and healthy?

Misiorowski’s last start was one to forget. He lost his first game, gave up five earned runs, and walked three batters in just 3 ⅔ innings. But what stood out even more was the dip in velocity. Misiorowski’s fastball dipped as low as 95 mph—a 6+ mph drop from what fans have come to expect.

Despite the setback, he still leads MLB in pitches with a perceived velocity of 104 mph or higher, with 12 such pitches across just four starts. So what caused the drop?

Pat Murphy said after his last outing, “He wasn’t in sync tonight, that’s for sure. You could see it.” This begs the question: how does someone see sync?

To find it, you might need to head to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, where thousands of fireflies light up in synchrony each summer. According to the National Park Service, male fireflies flash together to get the attention of females—who only respond when there’s enough blinking going on. Perhaps Jacob’s issue isn’t biomechanics. Maybe it’s bioluminescence.

More concerning was Misiorowski’s own postgame comment: “I used the old Tiger Woods approach and moved to the next pitch.” A bold strategy for a man in a relationship—especially considering the last guy who said that lost his swing, his sponsors, and half his stuff.

One thing is certain: today, all eyes in Major League Baseball will be on Milwaukee as the Crew takes on the Dodgers tonight in a historic pitching matchup—one that mirrors Survivor Season 28 (Brains vs. Beauty vs. Brawn), pitting brains against brawn on the mound. Brewers fans and coaching staff alike will be watching closely—not just for velocity and command—but for glutes, and signs of sync.