Burnt Toast Sports – Brilliantly Stupid

People like to say that numbers never lie. But what if they do?

What if all the quirky, advanced baseball metrics that MLB has poured time and money into over the past decade is just another passing fad—like mewing, barefoot shoes, or pretending tofu tastes good?

The Milwaukee Brewers have reclaimed the best record in baseball, riding the momentum of five consecutive series wins and 13 victories in their last 15 games. And they’re doing it by playing a brand of baseball that looks nothing like the modern blueprint. While most teams zag—chasing home runs and accepting strikeouts—the Brewers are zigging, often putting the ball in play with the softest of contact.

“The best things come in small packages” might be the perfect proverb for the 2025 Brewers. Their average exit velocity? Dead last in the majors at 88.2 MPH. Hard-hit rate? 25th. Barrel rate? Also last, managing to barrel just 6% of balls put in play.

Since 2015, only one team has won the World Series while ranking 20th or lower in home runs—the 2015 Royals. Seven of the last ten champions have finished in the top ten in homeruns. The Brewers currently rank 25th. So how long can they keep winning while kissing the ball on the forehead off the bat, gently tickling it into the outfield, tucking it in at night, and holding its hand all the way to first base?

So how sustainable is this gritty and gentle style of baseball?
On paper—ignoring the standings—this team doesn’t exactly impress. But can the Brewers out-scrap their opponents all the way to another NL Central title—and maybe even a deep playoff run?

“If you’re not ready to scrap for nine innings with us, by the end of the game, you’re going to be on the wrong end of it,” Caleb Durbin told reporters after another classic Brewers performance yesterday—one that resembled a buzzing gnat: relentless, disruptive, and impossible to ignore. The team racked up 17 hits—just three of which went for extra bases.

Here is proof the Brewers can continue to gently win baseball games.

Minorly Annoying Things Have Lasting Effects

A recent study out of Stanford found that even something as small as a puff of air to the eye can trigger not just a quick reflex, but a lasting emotional reaction in the brain—one that lingers and spreads like static. The more it happens, the more it messes with your head.

That’s the Brewers in a nutshell.

Perhaps there’s nothing more frustrating in baseball than leaving runners on base. Since July 6, the Brewers’ pitching staff has stranded 68 runners to end innings. Even more maddening for opponents: among baserunners who reached via hits or walks (excluding errors or hit-by-pitches), the Brewers have stranded 66.7% runners—well above the league average of 59.3%. That means only one out of every three runners that reach base ends up scoring.

Water Erosion

Like water erosion—the most persistent force on Earth—this Brewers offense wears opponents down over time. The Grand Canyon was carved from 5 million years of steady water flow. It wasn’t blasted into existence. It was nagged into existence.

Like timely bunts, moving runners over, and taking the free bag, this team is wearing its opponents thin.

This month, the Brewers are averaging over nine hits per game—but only 2.4 of those go for extra bases. The result? 5.1 runs per game and a 14-4 record in July. It’s not loud. But it’s effective. And right now, it’s winning by death from a thousand paper cuts.

One Mosquito

A single mosquito in your bedroom can ruin an entire night’s sleep (up to a 40% drop in sleep quality, according to the Journal of Sleep Research)—not because it bites, but because it won’t go away.

The Brewers aren’t trying to overwhelm anyone. They’re buzzing, tapping, scratching—just enough to keep you awake. Just enough to win.

The Little Debbie Fully Stocked Household

Is there anything more annoying than being on the opposite end of an embarrassment of riches?

Think of that one friend growing up—the one whose pantry was always packed with every Little Debbie snack imaginable: Zebra Cakes, Swiss Rolls, Oatmeal Creme Pies—you name it. That’s what the Brewers’ coaching staff feels like right now: fully stocked and firing on all cylinders.

They’ve turned former first-round “bust” Andrew Vaughn into a .290 hitter with a .395 on-base percentage. They’ve helped Quinn Priester—who came in with a 6.23 ERA over 112 innings—become a legitimate contributor. They’ve uncovered hidden gems like Grant Anderson and Isacc Collins. And somehow, they’ve transformed a recently DFA’d Trevor Megill into an All-Star.

Turns out, when your pantry’s this stacked, you don’t just survive the season—you feast.

The Brewers aren’t just winning—they’re developing, maximizing, and outsmarting everyone else.

The Buzz Rolls On

The festivities will be in full swing as the Brewers celebrate 25 years at Miller Park, kicking off a six-game homestand with a marquee matchup against the Cubs starting Monday—fueled, of course, by Little Debbie snacks, small packages, slow water erosion, and a brand of baseball that’s just as confusing and frustrating as Jake Bauers still playing left field.